A Valentines Day Rant – No Filter Friday

Valentines Day. I sincerely fucking hate it. Always have. And before you start stereotyping me as a bitchy, bitter, manless women…. it’s not because I’m alone, a bit bitchy maybe and a whole lot of bitter yes, but not alone. I haven’t been alone on Valentines day since middle school. And no, it’s also not because I’ve never had a really good Valentines day. I have. I’ve had them complete with roses and candy and lobster dinners and jewelry…And you can shove it all right up your ass. 

Ok, maybe not the jewelry…to a point…but we’ll get to that.

I digress… the bullshit is everywhere for a full month. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some kind of advertisement or display complete with red hearts and stuffed animals. It’s in your face as you walk into every store, blasted from every tv and radio ad. You can’t fucking avoid it!

I’m a romantic, a HUGE romantic. I am emotional and mushy and empathetic and have suffered heartbreak that was no fault but my own because I stupidly chose to believe in the fairy tale, in the rediculously sappy “Power of True Love”. Maybe that’s why I hate this day so much. Guys are under pressure to make sure they “do the Valentine thing” and check off that list of required gifts. Girls spend February 15th comparing what they got.. “oh you only got flowers? Tell that man of yours to get it together, I got 2 dozen roses, a tennis bracelet, AND he took me for dinner at [insert name of pricey local restaurant whose servings are so non-existent you’re making pancakes later here] Ladies, if you know these women, they are insecure twatwaffles and any kind of association with them should be avoided at all costs. And why is it so geared toward getting the girl something? Guys need love and presents too!

Valentines day wasn’t invented for loooove. It was stuck in the middle of February by the Christians to take attention away from the Pagan fertility feast of Lupercalia on February 15th ( at least until they had Lupercalia outlawed in the 5th century.) The day became associated with “love” in the middle ages because it was the beginning of the birds mating season. Lovely. Feeling romantic yet? Americans didn’t start exchanging valentines until the late 1700’s and oh, by the way, 85% of Valentines are bought by women. Whats up with that?

My issue with Valentines day is it’s just sooooo blasé. It’s fucking dumb. If you’re in love, great for you, kiss off. The rest of us don’t give a rats ass. Valentine’s Day is THE most commercially raped day of the year. Let me lay this out …

1. Red Roses…. URGH!  First of all I hate them BECAUSE they are so damn boring and overplayed. Not to mention wayyyyy overpriced in the month of February. What a way to show your girl you think she’s special… “Hey babe, here’s a stellar overpriced bunch of flowers that will be dead in a week and that are EXACTLY like every other bunch of flowers every other girl is getting today.” I mean flowers are great, I love love love them. But if you give me red roses on Vday then I will assume you have no ability to have an original or creative thought (which makes me question everything about you), AND I’m NOT like every other girl, AND I DONT LIKE ROSES so please don’t get me what they are getting just because the tradition of this shitty day says you’re supposed to!
2. This also goes for whatever the “in” piece of jewelry Jane Seymour is trying to  get around our necks this year. I DONT WANT IT. If you knew ANYTHING about me you’d know that! I DON’T like gold. I DON’T like flashy. Don’t walk into a store and get whatever is being pushed on the public last minute. I don’t want the same crap everyone else has, plan ahead asshat and find something that actually reminds you of me, because if it’s that stupid heartshaped, cheesy sentiment piece I see on EVERY damn commercial since New Years then you know NOTHING about me. Christ, just look at the crap I buy myself, that should tip you off! If you’ve never seen me wear gold, then dammit it’s not because I need more of it. It’s because I PREFER silver! Shit… now I’m raging…back to my point…
3. Candy. Yuck… not a fan… I get it, some girls are but really… wanna impress? Cook dinner. Not take out from KFC dumb ass… something you actually had to turn the stove on to do. Even if it doesn’t come out right the initiative alone will melt their heart.
4. Cards… again … WAY overpriced. Sure you might keep them in a pretty box with the rest of the crap that means something to you but basically it’s expensive paper some wanna be poet wrote on, and all you did was pay way too much for it and sign your name. Here’s a hint, The most beautiful things I’ve ever read didn’t have Hallmark stamped on the back. Save the 7 bucks, buy me a bottle of wine and pass me a note.

Seriously, don’t fall for it, don’t waste your money. Be original and creative and if she (or He) doesn’t appreciate it then maybe you’re with the wrong girl/guy. Personally, I’d rather you show up with a bunch of flowers you picked along the roadside on the way over and a case of Lager. But Hey, that’s just me.

I hope everyone has a great Next Tuesday!  Shiny happy people in love can get bent.

Any ads below better the hell not be for Valentines Day! ( and were not chosen by me)

History of Valentines Day credited to http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day